The CRAVING

Look, I'll be honest: I was not expecting this change to stick. But I was really hoping that by day 6, the craving would be gone, or at least abated. Yeah...it's not. It is ever-present. There is, as the guy from Naked Eyes once said, always something there to remind me. There is one can of Coke in my fridge at home, and I see it every time I open the fridge -- and without drinking Coke, there is a little more fridge-opening happening these days. There are at least three billboards advertising Coke on my way to work.

And yesterday at Potbelly's, there was this business in the refrigerated case. I know it's on a can of Diet Coke, but still -- I felt like Coke was sending me a message. Letting me know that it still thinks of me and loves me, and when I'm ready to come back, it'll be waiting for me. Maybe it's too soon to call it, but it might be time to face it: I will never be free. Coke will always be a part of me. I am making up for its loss by appropriating crappy songs, which might be worse than the disease.

Maybe it is the lack of caffeine, maybe it's the last gasp of winter, I don't know, but I have to admit to getting a little discouraged about this project right now. Nothing I'm doing seems to be doing much for me in the end.  Last night I was presented with a batch of photos from my brother-in-law's birthday party during a trip to Texas a few weekends ago and LORD. I look massively bloated, especially in the face, my hair is stringy and gross despite my efforts to get it to look decent, and I just...ugh. I hate photos, because as my dad liked to point out, they don't lie. I just got a report that my blood pressure isn't exactly stellar (120/78) --so what's all the fucking exercise and vegetable eating doing for me? I'm still heavier than I'd like and it's not even netting me any health gains as far as I can tell. And then the house stuff -- well, some of it's stuck but when it's often just me fighting the tide of paper and clutter, it's easy to get behind. With gardening season fast approaching, I just don't know that I have the time or energy to do all the things I need to do, much less any of the things I want to do. I know, I know: there's a club for that, it's called everybody, and they meet at the bar. Well, I guess I will see everybody at the bar, then. This weekend, at least. But, I'm still on the horse.